


Quietly

by lorij (Murphtastic)



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-27
Updated: 2012-07-27
Packaged: 2017-11-10 20:58:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/470623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Murphtastic/pseuds/lorij
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Death and Xander.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Quietly

Time may fly

And dreams may die

The shaking voice that tells

Him go

Still thinks he might

He knows he won't

\--Missing the War, Ben Folds Five

\----

I always thought I'd get taken out by a demon or a vampire or something equally as dangerous. But life never turns out how you expect it to.

The first sign was an innocent one. A stomachache. No big deal, right? I got scared when I started throwing up blood. Never a good sign. And hard to hide when there's a vampire living in your basement. So I took myself to the doctor.

Cancer.

Stomach cancer, to be exact. Inoperable because it had spread and not very treatable because it was so advanced. 

The doctor said I had maybe six months to live, but that with treatment like chemotherapy or radiation, I might make it a year. Downside to that was that the side effects could kill me just as easily as the cancer.

He thought I was crazy when I turned him down. Argued with me for over an hour but I wouldn't budge. I was going to die anyway, why prolong it? In the end, the doctor wrote me a prescription for morphine and sent me home.

A prescription I promptly filled and then stared at for a long time. If I wanted to, I could use it to kill myself. Suicide was a definite option. Overdosing on morphine wouldn't hurt. It would be just like that song. 

In the end I decided not to do it. At least not yet. There were things that I wanted to do. That I had to do. And I didn't have much time to do them in.

So I went home and made a list. It was a depressingly short one. 

I wanted to see the world.

With Spike.

Somewhere along the line, I fell for him. Don't know when or how it happened, but it did. Maybe it was because when it was just the two of us, he was actually pretty cool. We'd talk about anything and everything. Sometimes we rented really bad movies and had our own Mystery Science Theater.

Maybe it was because Spike actually *listened* to me. Listened and acknowledged my presence like a lot of people never did.

We'd danced around each other for weeks. Veiled glances here, not so innocent flirting there. Taking it slow because we both knew that vampires like Spike and people like me don't get many chances in life. Or unlife as the case may be.

I didn't want to tell him. Didn't know how to. 

Spike caught me throwing up, a daily occurrence since I'd been diagnosed. My luck ran out and he smelled the blood. One second I was praying to the porcelain god and the next my bathroom door was off its hinges and Spike was standing in the doorway demanding to know what the hell was wrong.

I had to tell him then. He kept insisting that I should go to the hospital and I kept insisting that I didn't need to. So I told him.

I told him and he didn't say a word. He just stared at me.

Finally I got sick of him staring at me and told him that if all he was going to do was look at me could he wait until I was done puking to do it?

Next thing I know, he was down on his knees next to me and pulling me into a hug. I lost it, then. Lost the fragile grip on my emotions and cried like a baby in his arms. I cried for everything I hadn't done and everything I wasn't going to get a chance to do. I cried for mistakes I'd made, things I'd said, people I was going to miss.

But I didn't cry forever. I didn't *have* forever anymore.

That night was the first time Spike and I made love. And God, it was perfect just like I knew it would be.

After, cuddled close to each other, I told him that I wanted to see as much of the world as I could with him. Spike swore he'd be the best tour guide ever and we both laughed at the idea.

Decision made, we packed up and left the next night. I didn't want to face anyone so I wrote letters and mailed them on the road.

And I saw the world. 

Saw it between bouts of throwing up and being too weak to get out of bed some days, that is.

Spike was wonderful and annoying at the same time. Kept treating me like I was made of glass and that I might break at any moment. Maybe I was. I sure as hell *felt* breakable some days. We traveled, made love, had the occasional fight, made love again, and just generally did anything and everything.

Last stop was England. Spike showed me where he was from and where he was turned. Little bits of history that I cherished. We stayed there the longest, both knowing that the end was near.

The day came when I knew that it was time to go back to the states. I just woke up one morning and *knew*.

Knew that it was almost my time to go.

I don't remember the flight back. Too doped up on morphine and whatever else would kill the pain. I had a vague impression of the plane landing and Spike carrying me off. Didn't even know where we ended up.

Woke up in a strange room and fell off the bed trying to find Spike. He rushed in and picked me up, scolding me for not being more careful. 

The sudden appearance of Angel behind him told me where we were.

I didn't even have the energy for a smart-ass remark. Probably that scared Deadboy more than anything else. 

There was whispered talk of Angel turning me. And then shouted talk. Before we left Sunnydale, I had told Spike that I didn't want to be turned. I didn't want to be anyone but who I was. Couldn't be, not even for Spike. He understood that.

Angel didn't. 

He came to me and wanted to know why. I wanted to know why he would turn me even though he hated the life of a vampire. 

He didn't have an answer for that.

After that, most of my days were spent sleeping. Any awake time was with Spike and sometimes Angel. We talked and laughed. Sometimes we cried. 

And some nights I slept with a vampire on either side of me.

Not a horrible way to spend my last days.

And one night instead of saying 'good night', I said 'good bye'.

But not forever.


End file.
